Відео

THANK YOU !! That is an amazing insight and a dynamic perspective! that’s it ! And I know that feeling because that is what he puts on me and how he expects me to be and it’s really oppressive and awful. I barely escaped my own childhood scarring me into that no Self yet the early years were better. Yet the mid child years were extremely agonizing, and so when he does his diabolical attack it’s ripping open an old wound and I go into shock, it’s as if somebody took and ripped my guts and heart out. It’s so awful to be treated poorly from a person who has such a hurtful response to his own inner turmoil, which he then blames on you. It’s also confusing and it drains the life out of my mind trying to reason any bit of what he say and do and there’s no sense in it at all. It’s a waste of time in mind and spirit and it takes up so much of me. I feel consumed.

Dr. Ettensohn , how do you know if the NPD person is capable of significant change enough to have a stable relationship? Do you have any material on this and also a few comments? This is a lot of info below that I thought I put it here. I just had a horrible night dealing with him and I’ve given this guy many years he has improved has he? I know you can’t necessarily to answer about this actual guy, but I thought I put it down about him and how he is now. I use they as meaning him just as bad grammar, too tired to change it thanks for understanding 😊 This is his variables: They want to improve They seem to genuinely care and not want to hurt me Vulnerable narcissist. He have an exceptional generosity in nature and real efforts are there even though they may be in the end, manipulative expecting something in return If angry or powerless, he will say I owe him and pull all🎉 the tricks to make me do what he wants. He often over the years put me down. Criticize me push me around, broke up with me and cheated. He did admit the cheating thing and he was upset about it that he did it I guess? Or I found out I don’t know. I didn’t call him out, but he did say that maybe he felt bad and caused him problems. Also, he apologized to me sincerely about everything he did to me which is rare. He is not an over. Liar about those things. Appeared he was ready to work on himself, and then he went into almost a psychotic😮😢 meltdown because he thought I was ignoring him at the door, although it was in the backyard. He does have a head about matters and compassionate towards others in the public even a few people he likes otherwise. He treats the guys better than myself. For me, I felt like I could be a body double and he would never know. he rarely asks me questions about my self or life. I have invisible syndrome. He takes his anger out on me or redirect it towards me as if that’s the real point of anger and I don’t think he understands what he’s doing. It’s extremely hurtful and he often breaks up with me. he cannot seem to stay consistent or stable 🎉therefore working on himself or his issue to me is challenging at best. Now, considering those variables, they have all the worst qualities. Every NPD has such as switching back-and-forth often with faulty logic, and then blame me at all on you for the cause of them being nasty Other comments, Although a few reputable Psychologist have mentioned that says severely difficult disorder to heal or improve, it’s nice to hear a more balanced or probable reflection of it. Because you just like discounting people entirely as not being able to improve yet at the same time, you don’t want to be unrealistic either. A big issue is that he triggers my anger and stress and I have had a hormonal disorder. That’s quite serious. I had to have surgery and it’s not an easy thing to de-escalate my own emotions although I can do it towards him and it’s a little more difficult. ❤ to you for your expert insight and guidance towards how to deal with myself and this person. I’m at my wits end thank you.🙏 😢

17:14 this is a good point, that, it also means, having a mental illness is not an excuse for abuse or abusive behaviour.

What about the healing of their victims they have traumatized, maybe even for life? 😢

Speaking of "treatment" of NPD; do you ever suspect (or even carefully observe) that a person consulting you might have been lying to you in a way to make you think they're making a progress?

THANK YOU.

Wow thank you

This is the only place I’ve found that is even trying to help. All the other videos make us seem like willing monsters.

Its all fine and dandy to defend persons with this personality disorder, BUT on the other end are also persons who has been subjected to a range horendous acts. I really get it that something happened or did not happen for them during their childhood and they are left with very large portions of a healthy personality missing and they act out to compensate for those absent portions, but why take it out on another person? thinking of my senior in a team of 2 (him and I) all the abuse I was subjected to over a period of 2 years. It dawned on me in the subsequent years after i left that how he actually assessed me during the interview process how my personality and my responses to his baiting would provide him his "fix" ... I left the previous job bright-eyed and bushy tailed and eager to get into hard working to constructively contribute to the environment .. naive me a month after I started I scheduled a meeting with him to proactively manage the relationship to find out how I was doing and where to focus on etc ... that was like handing him a red-hot dagger he could use to slowly and painfully and yet with my own permission torture me with. THEN, as I continued to study NPD and other personality disorder like DID and CPTSD I discovered my wife of 23 yrs suffers characteristics ranging across CPTSD/DID but also uses techniques commonly used and identified in the NPD range on me ... lying, decieving, manipulating, gaslighting and baiting are just a few of her vices she uses to "defend" herself when she percieves a threat which is literally anytime... fancy my dissapointment at discovering i allied for like almost a quarter of a century with someone who bulldusted me on almost everything ... how jolted am I at discovering I allied with someone who never would have matured beyond where we were in our 20s - childish and not matured sometimes she actually acts like a 13yr old emotionally. SO the question now beckons since we may not entertain "ghosts and goblins", what "energy" or "force" allows an NPD-like person to identify and associate a person with empathic characteristics? What "forces" can with such clinical precision read another's energy and so eloquent manipulate others for their "fix"? The hard/difficult part is they "hide" as they present themselves as "healthy and/or wholesome", but they really are not (an no one can see the intimate specifics of what you see) and neither do they want to submit for any form of treatment. Not sure if you personally had encounters and experiences you could not avoid with persons on the NPD spectrum for extended periods of time .. Would apreciate if you could with the same energy as you gave to the detractors/critics also say something encouraging the empaths who were ambushed and slayed at the hands of the NPD individual.

Thank you, Dr. Ettenshohn, for the insightful talk. As a society, we have a great deal of learning to do, regarding mental illness. Incidentally, I find myself struggling with the perceptions of "normalcy" as well as with the existing prejudice against mentally ill people, in general. Your talk addresses these issues very well. My question is, are there "degrees" of NPDs? If so, can a "normal" person who is not a psychologist, help in any way? It seems to me that "normally" (this word again :) ) people are neither "100% normal" nor "completely nuts", and most people struggle with one inner demon or another. Is a personality disorder (caused by unhealthy environment) a mental illness the same way as, say, schizophrenia (irregularities in the chemistry of the brain)? If NPD is caused by unhealthy environment, can a narcissist change and grow in different circumstances, even with all the baggage you describe in your talk? Which narcissistic behavior is "tolerable" and when it becomes absolutely necessary to seek counseling?

That is so accurate!

I was diagnose with BPD around age 19 and worked my way off the diagnosis several years later. Im 49 now. So not cured, but “overcame” as I put it. I have a solid understanding of choices and consequences, personal accountability, etc. I mean this I learned to understand very very well, but I do remember when I did not understand this and really could not comprehend the things people said to me about me or any of it really like described in the video. Now I’m with my partner who is undiagnosed but strong undeniable Narcissistic traits at least and by his own acknowledgment and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to help the situation playing out exactly as described above even though I’ve been on both sides. I relate to a lot of his behaviors and have compassion and love, but it’s really a struggle to manage being on the receiving end despite my experiences. I do so appreciate every video in the channel and watch them when I need to be grounded and regroup with clarity and understanding that go a long way in helping me manage my side of things. That’s all. Thanks so much for your wonderful resource. Its truly unique and important.

Everything you say here is correct for me. This is what I wish I could find. I've been at a mental hospital now inpatient or as a part of a PHP since early December, and even though I've told the experts here again and again that I believe I have NPD I've not been able to get any of them to really react to it. Everything here is all about doing something. You're not going to read this, And that's okay. But if you have a read this and what you know that you said a lot of things that I know are right. And I hope you keep saying it. And I hope you keep telling it to mental health professional so that they can help people like me. I think it's going to be too late for me to be honest with you. I can't do this just by looking at your videos and reading your books and following the links all by myself. Invisible? I am the walking invisible. False self? Yes. But I think you're compassion is beautiful and appropriate and you're doing great work. Keep going please. If you ever do read this, please keep going.

Thank you.

Dr Ettensohn...loving all of your helpful videos...What about rage that is not in response to slights or criticism? I'm thinking of the rage and cruel criticism that occurs against a very close person that simply can't do anything right. In this case, a parent.

I'm wrestling with the paradox of accepting and mourning your own death with the hopes of ***maybe**** being able to live some day. Am i misunderstanding something?

Gracias!!! Me ha gustado mucho!!!

Thanks !

IT'S INTENDED... I'LL PASS ON THEM...I APPRECIATE YOUR KNOWLEDGE...

The reality is a narcissist would NEVER seek professional help! lol. They just don't. They cannot recognize they need help. If they do, they are probably not a narcissist.

striving to be compassionate towards his narcissism kept me in abuse for decades. I don't think they actually suffer. You never see them cry.

On one level this makes so much sense, but on other levels, it just seems like an excuse for the sin nature that causes narcissism. So do those who are the target of these narcissistic rages just have to feel sorry for the person knowing they had a messed up childhood? I get that, but they are intent on then destroying others. Not cool. Everyone had a difficult childhood, but it doesn't mean we all turned into narcissistic people trying to hurt others.

Very good video

Brought tears to my eyes. All the assholes that I know and love. Everyone is a struggling child. This was beautiful thank you.

I find it strange that in the US therapist think they can heal narcissism or borderline. In many European countries, such a diagnosis means that won't get help dealing with your problems. Psychiatrists think there is nothing one can do about it.

Not taking it personally presents a challenge for sure. Screaming outbursts can cause an autonomic response of either snarling back or shutting down in an effort to become invisible.

You have to recognize you have a problem first, which seems not possible for most with the disorder.

What am I supposed to say. Nothing. They , in my experience, HAVE n offer NO remorse - guilt - or what we call ‘heathy shame. ‘Why’ is not my thing. If YOU 🥹 wana help em feel free. Character deficit. Conscience. None 🤷🏻‍♂️ that I see. ‘Conscious or not. Most of us , I’ll speak for myself, wana live and die in relative peace.

Is there a difference between someone who wants to be seen by a certain number of people versus someone who just wants to be understood by one person? Could one be seen as simply needing someone to understand since this is an existential human need that everyone (people with or without NPD) have and pursue? Does one exhibit covert grandiosity while the other is simply showing frustration at not getting what everyone else has/is receiving, and does that differentiate someone with pathological narcissism versus simply just being chronically misunderstood and frustrated at not having an emotional need met?

"What is that they actually could love about me" Man this question is so spot on... I just need to perform in my eyes so bad, once I fail, I need to be reasured and then again and again. "am I a bad boy mommy?" thats pretty much the underlying question in these pathetic outings. I will get back to medititation, because I was able to break another relationship with me being so unsure of myself.

I appreciate that you are not demonising NPD. I think both my parents, my grandparents, my siblings, myself, my x partner, my children and my sisters children, all have Narcissistic traits and in many cases full blown NPD. Thank you for that. But, I am tired of being told it's my responsibility to do something about it. Go and see a therapist, you say, like that's a realistic option. I would love to go and see a competent therapist well versed in personality disorders and work on my issues. I have, in fact, been trying to get help ever since I was a child, and I am now in my 60's. I have seen about 20 therapists over the course of my life and I am yet to find a single one that is competent. I have been misdiagnosed, shamed, invalidated, laughed at and rejected by various therapists who are supposably well trained. I am currently on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist who I think might be good, but I have to wait 10 months to see him, and he costs a lot of money. It is only now, after receiving an inheritance that I can afford an option like this. So I am very tired of being told I should reach out, help is available. It's really not, at least not in any wide scale way. It's available perhaps to a select few, the lucky ones. I think your youtube videos are great but when you say it's up to the people with this condition to get help and help is not available, it sets the stage for more hatred and abuse and victim bashing from people who hear this and assume help is available, and then blame the person with the condition for not being able to secure help. Am I being hypersensitive? In this case, it's not that I am feeling criticized, rejected, or humiliated, it's that I want people to know that help isn't available. I am trying to set the record straight. It's about fairness. It seems unfair to make someone responsible for something that it's impossible to do. Is that irrational? I think I am angry and resentful that help has been so unobtainable in my country, I am Australian, and I am sad that my life has passed me by, while I have been trying to my best to get help. It seems like the mental health industry needs to come up with other solutions other than go see a licenced therapist who is good at what they do. You might just as well say, go fly to the moon.

The most valuable source of information relating to narcissism Thanks very much

This is so accurate it’s amazing. You’re the best

Interesting you used the term "drowning" to describe the NPD experience. The guy I once knew who was self-admitted BPD (quiet) but most likely also NPD as all the real things about NPD line up as an exact match with what I experienced/witnessed/was told by him....he often used "drowning" and "treading water" to describe his state of being, especially when trying to explain why he was taking and not giving when it came to empathy & effort. *Filed under "things I wish I knew then- for myself and for him*. ❤️‍🩹

Wow. Fantastic stuff. Such a breath of fresh air. I love the deep explanation and academic knowledge. This is great. Really helpful. Thank you!

Excellent presentation. Thank You.

I respect your insight, Doctor. We as codependents in recovery often fall into dehumanizing narcissists. We have been in the fight of our lives to salvage our own sanity, sense of value, and worth. Your image of the person outside the window in the cold looking in on the family warm and safe inside brings to mind something my mother shared. When I was 10 she suffered what they called a mental breakdown when my dad moved out. Looking back on how she described that experience leads me to believe she had a narcissistic collapse. Many years later in her 80’s she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She became very childlike. It was at this time that I got a glimpse of the person she may have truly been before all of the trauma in her life.

Thank you for a very wise and true approach. Me 2 ex husbands probably NPD and some friends and family members let alone workers mainly bosses. Now Im retired so no problem. And living alone ( family staying for some time) so eventually no problematic people around. It seems acc to me that THEY ARE NOT FULLY AWARE wh they do and probably THEY ARE NOT FULLY AWARE THEY ARE ILL? Maybe you wd like to comment. Also they do not want any treatment. I also think NPD or tendency is INBORN. Just my thinking. Anyway GREETINGS from Poland. 😊

I understand that going live is not an easy exercise but please keep doing them as your insight is invaluable. Your compassion and knowledge is so helpful. Thank you so very much Dr Ettensohn

🌳🍃

It’s so validating to have your professional and compassionate descriptions and insights - the defenses, false self, and disorganized identity, as well as the means to progress from NPD. Thank you! Many of us have been fighting and suffering every day of our lives for decades with little to no help. Understanding makes all the difference.

Hi Dr Ettensohn I've been doing lots of research and came across an interesting fellow named Daniel Mackler on UA-cam. Have you ever heard of him?

“They can’t take on the challenges of the world, so they hide away on their little islands of isolation, fantasizing about who they might be, while never becoming anything.” -Frank Yeomans, MD He describes people with NPD often being socially isolated, not having any friends or being unable to keep friends. Most of whom are still living with their parents, hiding away in the basement or in their bedroom. They’re alive, but they’re not living.. At least, not living in the real world. This hit me hard. It’s interesting, Dr. Mark. That description is so vastly different from the way NPD is portrayed on the internet. My question to you is.. What percentage of Narcissists do you think match that description? If you had to guess? I ask this because Narcissists are always described as these gregarious men who have a myriad of friends, they’re always socially active, they network, they can never spend a moment alone, they have a girlfriend, a wife, a maid and at least a hundred concubines. 😂 Meanwhile.. I’m isolated, no friends(I believe most are), living at home, not making any moves towards building a future because.. idk. I guess it seems like any move I make will trap me in a mediocre life? So I escape into comforting reveries, seeing the life I want, feeling it, and often times, falsely believing I’m on that path.. Only to realize later on that I haven’t gotten a single step closer to even remotely making that happen.. So it repeats. Again and again.. I’m 30 years old. I absolutely cannot believe my entire 20s is gone. It vanished. Poof 💨 Gone. I have no fucking idea where all the time went. I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past 10 years… Just seeing that typed out was extremely distressing.. 10 years… Time seems so cruel. I know that sounds dramatic but I seriously freak out about this. I can’t imagine being 40 and looking back.. I see why NPD worsens with age. PS: I’d imagine empathic therapy makes Narcissists feel extremely uncomfortable at first. Lol.

as someone who may have this (undiagnosed) 17 year old Male Can we survive long term relationship with Great communication and religiosity ?…. With our partner and can attachment and self awareness of shared fantasy be converted to love can it be relearned since our first experience sucked….. and we received a lack of it…. If their is a self there but he is very damaged can we help him build the tools…. To love ? I am asking because I am near entering a relationship

Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.

Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.

Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.

Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.

Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.

Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.